Wednesday, January 2, 2008

No More

We have been TTC for the past 5 months. I have two beautiful boys, and after 6 years, we decided to try for another one. Just one more time. I was at ease with the decision, and wanted it so bad.

Over the holidays, I got really sick and ended up in the ER, total Dejavu. I looked at my husband, as I hadn't been that sick since I was prego with my youngest 6 years ago. And we both new we couldn't do it again. It broke my heart, but we both knew it couldn't happen. As I sat there, with the IV hooked up to me, I felt anger, sadness, and relief all at the same time.

Anger because I just wanted to be normal to have a normal pregnancy with normal morning sickness. Anger at HG because I knew I couldn't do it again. I couldn't put my body threw that, my kids, my husband, my family. I was totally down for 3 months last time, and on meds the rest of the pregnancy, and who knows what it would be like again. Adam and Alex were so worried about me, they kept calling while we were at the ER. I realized I couldn’t do it. I am going to enjoy the two gifts I was given. I have nothing but respect for those women who are going unto another pregnancy with HG. It is a huge sacrifice, and no one else can understand unless they have been threw it.

Sadness, for a moment. But the pain I was in, helped me to see that I have two wonderful sons, and That I am going to make sure they know they are loved, and put all my energy into them.

Relief when the nurse came and told me I wasn't pregnant. I knew it would be over soon. I looked at Adam, and said I think we need to stop trying and he said I think so too.

It is sad that this illness keeps us from having more kids, and I know that no one else will understand this decision unless you have been threw HG. So many women get morning sickness, but HG is so different.

Somethings just happen. I don't know why they happen, why some woman get HG, why people get cancer, or why things happen to kids that should never happen. I know God has a plan for everything, we also have the power of free will. He doesn't control us, but he can make the best out of the worst situation.

Sorry if this was alittle TMI. This is me.

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