So the later part of 2010 I started a journey that will take me to a healthier happier me.
2010 was a tough year. It started out great. I was enjoying life with my family, had many friends near and dear to me. I was apart of a church that I believed in, and put all my extra time into. I was apart of a ministry that I was very passionate about. I had developed a relationship with God that I loved, depended on.
In the spring my world was rocked. I learned that some people very close to me had messed up big time. This would affect a lot of people. In a matter of one week my church was shut down, my pastor removed, and the church moved back to our old location and temporarily under the leadership of an interim pastor. My family was hurt by some people very close to us, I lost friends, and my church was torn apart with people scattered, I walked away from ministry, and little did I know at the time, but I walked away from my relationship with God as well.
For the past 7 months I have been going thru the grieving process. Grieving over the Church I loved, friendships I lost, I felt like I lost my purpose, and trust in man. I am still going threw the grieving process.
I went threw shock and denial. It all didn’t seem real; I was speechless, full of so much emotion and felt like it was going to explode.
Next came pain and guilt. I was so hurt by friends, mentors, and people who were supposed to guild you threw hard times but weren’t there. I wondered if there was something I could have done, looked at how I may have contributed to the issues at hand. I feel guilty for walking away from ministry; I let people down who counted on me. For that I am truly sorry.
Then came anger, this came on and off for a while. I went from anger, to doubting if I had a right to be angry, to thinking isn’t it time for the anger to end, to being angry again. I said goodbye to my closest friend, which was the hardest decision in all of this. Some may say this was a move of weakness on my part, or of being judgmental, but I had to do it for me.
Right now I am somewhere between Depression/Reflection/Loneliness and The Upward Turn. During this time I realized the true magnitude of what had happened. At times a memory of how things use to be or the hurt I felt will make me just start crying out of the blue. There are times I feel alone, I isolate my self on purpose. I have a wonderful family who I wouldn’t trade for anything, but there is something special about a friend. I spend a lot of time reflecting, trying to see what God wants me to learn threw all of this. Before everything happened this past Spring I felt a shaking in my spirit. Something wasn’t right. I couldn’t figure out what it was, but I knew it would involve my family, friends and my church. I didn’t feel secure in these things. I look back now and know that this was God showing me something was about to happen. I have learned that next time I will know it is God. Sometimes I feel like I lost myself in all of this, then I learn something new about myself, and see that in all of this I am finding myself. Not what others think of me, or based on a person for I am not defined by man, but God. That’s when I feel the upward turn. I used to think of myself as weak, but I now see how strong I am. I now value the time I have with my family, because when everyone else turns away, they will always be there. I am putting my family first. I have learned that ultimately I am responsible for my actions; I can’t blame how I react on others actions. I am learning to have a relationship with God that doesn’t end when the church does. I am learning to trust again. I am taking care of myself and doing things for me, which are just making me a better me for those I love.
So I told you I started a journey that will make me a healthier happier me. In September I started going to Boot camp and eating healthy. It is physically the hardest thing I have ever done. I have never been a very active person. I have struggled with my weight and self-esteeme for all of my adult life. So I finally decided to do something about it. The very first day I told myself I couldn’t do it, it was too hard. But I kept going, and I got stronger, and I love it. I love how I feel. I have lost 20 lbs, and gained a new confidence. I am not were I want to be yet, but I know I can get there. It feels great to-do something for me. Threw this will come the final two phases of the grieving process, or I like to call it the healing process, Reconstruction and Working Through then Acceptance and Hope.
I know this is very personal, but it is away for me to express myself. I haven’t said much these past 7 months. I hope at least one person can be helped by my words.